hnybanner11. I’m not going to start 2014 with a hangover!

2. I’m not going to make any New Year Resolutions.

avoid3. I’m not going to bore everyone talking about my New Year Resolutions when we all know that I won’t keep them!

4. I must realise that dieting means cutting down on my food consumption, and exercising more than just my mouth.

5. Having seen my facial expressions in a mirror, and heard the noise I make, I’ll never chew gum again.

6. I love my kids, but I’ve finally realised that nobody else likes them. They’re horrible, greedy, moaning, ungrateful monsters and once I’ve paid my credit card bill, I’m not getting into debt for them again. That’ll give them something genuine to moan about – and it might even make them nicer!

7. Although I’m old and my brain’s getting slower, I’m determined to find out what all the switches do on my new, expensive car. I’m also going to learn the difference between the accelerator and the clutch so I don’t jerk along the road, lighting up like a Christmas tree every few yards. And I will master the art of using the indicators before I turn off the road!

8. I’m not going to consult a solicitor about a divorce in January as it’s their busiest month for divorces. If we all wait, they’ll be short of work and forced to lower their ridiculously high prices. Actually, when we’ve cleared most of our debts, we might even stop fighting and not need a divorce!

mobile9. I’m going to stop holding conversations on my mobile phone in public. I used to think that people admired me and thought I was trendy, but now they all seem to glare at me!

10. Talking of trendy, I’m not going to try hard to throw fashionable words into my conversations. As I’m maturing I’ve realised that it annoys me when other people do it. So not more ‘It was like,’ or ‘Ooh, cool!’ or ‘Basically,’ or ‘Chill out,’ or ‘Fundamentally,’ or ‘Yeah?’ at the end of a sentence, or ‘Dude,’ or ‘Ending every sentence with a question mark?’ Until I’ve achieved this, I’m going to stop talking completely.

11. I’m going to economise properly by writing down every day what I’ve bought, and realise how unnecessary a lot of it was. Why buy a sandwich when I can buy a loaf and some fillings a lot cheaper? And a packed-lunch of salad will help me with my diet. And definitely no more takeaways!

12. Even though I have a bit of a cold, I won’t make loud sniffing noises or gurgly throat noises in public.

13. I’ve realised that I have an annoying habit. I keep tapping my fingers on tables, etc/I slurp my coffee/I jerk my head sideways/I blink and breathe in fast/I whinny like a horse/I wiggle my foot/I rapidly jerk my knee up and down/I loudly shake my newspaper/I whistle/I sniff. So I promise to keep still and be quiet in future.

14. I’m going to respect my friends and neighbours, and the people around me. Just because they’re slightly overweight or they dress slobby and casual at home, it doesn’t mean that they’re not brilliant and talented.

15. I’m going to stop moaning. If the weather’s bad I’ll be grateful that it’s not a hurricane. If I’m tired I’ll be glad that I’m healthy. If I’m overweight I’ll be grateful that I’m not dying of starvation. If I can’t afford something, I’ll be pleased about what I already own. If someone says something horrible to me I’ll be glad that I’m nicer than them. And if I have any problems I’ll be grateful that I’m alive, with many more years left to sort it out and enjoy my life!

Happy New Year everyone!