OPTIMIST– Someone who will let his teenage son borrow his car.
PESSIMIST – One who won’t.
PEDESTRIAN – One who did.
CV – A brief, fictionlised autobiography.
A SLUG – a snail with a housing problem.
FILING CABINET – A place where you can lose anything systematically

If its got tyres or testicles you are going to have trouble with it.
If you wondered where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.
What’s the best way to open a jar with a stuck lid? Put it on the table and tell the kids to leave it alone.

Only a man would buy a £500 car and put a £4,000 stereo in it.
A man will sit by a river bank all day waiting to catch a fish, but complains if his wife has dinner 10 minutes late.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If a woman says she’ll be dressed in 5 minutes, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

They are always ready to give adults the full benefit of their inexperience.
Are afraid of nothing except a stack of dirty dishes.
Express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

It takes about 2 days at sea to make some travellers look like their passport photographs.