Welcome jobseekers! I come from a time when the middle-aged folk were running the company and the kids were in the post room – not the other way around. In my world you’d interact face-to-face (if you’d have to interact at all). You finished at five – or as early as you could get away with; and you weren’t on twenty-fours hours call: nobody from the office would phone you at home. In bygone times you’d set the bar low and think inside the box. You wouldn’t want to stand out from the crowd, you’d hide behind it.

For any potential employers reading this, I’m a dynamic team leader, constantly exceeding targets in a highly-pressured environment. But just between us, here are my honest answers to ten common interview questions. Best keep them to yourself (and don’t imagine the interviewer naked, it’s very distracting):

How would you plan your first day?

I’d set out my coffee and coffee mug, and fill the office fridge with full-fat milk and Mars bars. I’d then turn the PC on and check my emails and Facebook. Perhaps read some essential company information before lunch. When I’m back from Wetherspoons, I’d dig in for a riveting afternoon of on-line diversity training. Can I work from home tomorrow?



Give me an example of multi-tasking

I am adept at eating curry, drinking beer and watching TV at the same time. Next question…


How do you handle criticism?

I sulk and feel upset and resentful. Sometimes I’ll go on the offensive and respond with aggression. I like to turn a negative into a positive, innit?


How do you like to be managed?

I like to be left alone to my own thing, preferably in a room on my own.


Are you a team player?

Er, next question…


What IT packages have you used?

Most of them. Excel and Powerpoint are a bit of a pain in the arse aren’t they? I usually write things down on bits of paper.



How would you implement Equal Opportunities in the office?

Curry in the staff restaurant?


Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?

In your job! Ha! Only joking. In five years I’d like to be thinking about retirement and cruising towards the finishing line.


When have things not gone to plan?

My whole career. It’s been a succession of U-turns and dead ends.


Give me an example of a difficult decision you’ve had to made?

Well sir, I face a difficult decision every day; whether to go to work, or stay at home and play with the cat and go to the pub after lunch.


Thank you for seeing me. If I don’t hear from you again I assume I’ve been unsuccessful on this occasion.