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A NATIONAL BUNTING SHORTAGE

louis-pommery
louis-pommery

How about something really naughty to celebrate the eagerly-awaited Platinum Jubilee?

Why not treat yourself to some corgi? A sliver , nibble, finger, paw or large mouthful of head?

Costing £6 and serving twelve, Morrison’s corgi is called Clarence rather than Candy, the Queen’s favourite pet corgi.

The cake is a chocolate-covered Swiss roll and decorated with red, blue and white sprinkles to celebrate the Queen’s 70th anniversary on the throne. Clarence wears a Union Jack crown so you can sample the crown jewels too.

Rachel Fish, Cake Creator at Morrisons, comments: “We’ve created this special cake to pay tribute to the Queen, as the country celebrates her Platinum Jubilee this summer. We had great fun coming up with names for the cake but think Clarence, as chosen by our customers, is a fitting tribute.”

Morrisons previously created a replica of Harry & Meghan’s Royal Wedding Cake in 2018 and a Gingerbread Prince to celebrate Harry’s first Father’s Day.

Let professional bakers take the strain. For your street party , Bonne Mamam has brought out a Lemon and Pistachio red, white and blue  Platinum Jubilee cake and the English Cheesecake Co a Victoria Sponge Cheesecake.

Positive Bakes’ Platinum Jubilee Cake Box, inspired by Britain’s all-time favourite classic desserts, comprises six gluten-free./ vegan mini loaf cakes – Zesty Lemon Drizzle, Bakewell Tart, Chocolate & Salted Caramel, Banana, Carrot & Pecan and Sticky Toffee Pudding.

There is no shortage of special occasion drinks. Not just Horlicks new Victoria Sponge Shakes.

bUNTING-wAREHOUSE
BUNTING-WAREHOUSE

But what there is a shortage of is bunting.

We, as a nation and a Commonwealth,  are facing a crisis of our own making.

Because of the Platinum Jubilee celebrations, the UK is experiencing an acute bunting shortage as well as party hat and cake stand drought. Retailers can’t cope with the panic buying ahead of this week’s Bank Holiday parties.

Reams of bunting have sold out and Union jack flags are changing hands for high prices on the black red , white and blue market.  Bunting that has “fallen off the back of a lorry” is being bought from unscrupulous bunting sellers who are also  making fortunes from Union Jack tablecloths.

Because of the prices people are prepared to pay to get their hands  on bunting , ticket touts have turned  from selling tickets  for the West End theatre and  major sports events to standing outside hight street shops, saying “Anyone want bunting?”

Around 39 million people will be celebrating the Platinum Jubilee this weej, with 4.1 million families due to attend a street party this weekend.

“You can’t have a street party without bunting.” Said one distraught reveller. “It’s unthinkable. So many kids will be in tears. How do you tell the grandparents and aunts too?”

“There is an insatiable, implacable demand”, commented one bunting industry insider. “It’s like nothing we’ve ever seen before. And that includes D-Day and the Eurovision Song Contest! The HGC driver shortage is contributory too to the unrest  caused by a supply chain being under such  extreme pressure.”

The sanctions imposed on Russia, China and EW sanctions have put further on UK bunting manafacturers and lead to prices hitting record levels this week.

There have been unpleasant incidents reported at cash tills and in long queues outside traditional bunting outlets.  An angry crowd in Bury was teargassed when a shop assistant put up a sign “ Sorrr. Run Out Of Bunting. Please come back next St George’s Day.”

Said one shopowner : “Panic buying has been happening for  six months.  Ahead of the jubilee have been stockpiling bunting. I believe the trifle industry has experience the same  level of demand.   Shops have run out of string and glue and coloured pens. You can put up Clearance Sale signs to honour Her Majesty’s big day.”

There have been calls for the bunting industry to be nationalized and a bunting reserve bank be set up. Sustainability and zero waste advocates have questioned why no one has invented edible bunting.

A government spokesperson said :  “We would ask people to remain calm and sensible.  Our efforts are being hampered by selfish people who don’t need all the bunting they are buying. There should be enough triangular pennants to go round. Some of the shameful behaviour we have witnessed is straight off petrol station forecourts.”

Social scientists tell us that acts of stockpiling gives us a sense of control. Just as wearing a very small cheap Union Jack hat gives us a sense of belonging.

Bunting is deeply rooted in the cultural fabric of Great Britain.

It originated with signal flags in the Royal Navy which were called tammy ribbons with the designated signaller called a “bunting tosser”.

“The empty shelves are horrible to see,” said one street party organizer. “I don’t know what we are going to do or how we are going to cope.  We have the public liability insurance and official road closure notice, But no bunting. So it won’t be much of a weekend for many. There will be a lot of glum faces in the pop up party gazebos and tents all round the country. Your marquee feel naked without  bunting.”

Police are reporting that they are dealing with increasing cases of “Bunting Rage.”

Many households and local councils are also concerned about a looming Portaloo shortage.

Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it. And the jubilee will gives us all the chance to decide what goes best with sausage rolls and  something naughty.  A cup of tea, some orange squash or some Tesco’s finest made in Hampshire Louis Pommery Brut.

Put out all the flags this week. Despite the lack of bunting. Eat cake and be merry.