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The most attractive thing about the Fortina was when I turned my back and gazed at the view across the Sliema Creek to Valletta – well that was my first reaction!

But as they say, you can’t judge a book by the cover.

Outside, the hotel is a boring box, and the foyer isn’t any better. It really could do with some serious re-vamping. But read my next article about the inside!

The whole complex is privately owned by three brothers.

Carmen, the Spa Manager, led Jeni and me into the spa, below the hotel.

I’m sure you’re aware, Dear Regular Readers, that Malta is like a giant Swiss cheese, riddled with catacombs beneath the surface. Well, the spa was like being in the catacombs. Corridors led off in different directions, with doors on each side.

Malta & Richard lll 058 (Small)Think of a part of the body, inside or out, and there’s a treatment room for it in the Fortina Spa. It’s huge!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rented the whole spa for a day when Brad Pitt was filming in Malta.

I was taken away for my Parafango Full Body Treatment, while Jeni had an Indian Head Massage.

After being plastered in a mix of paraffin and mud, Ruth started wrapping me in clingfilm, which I found very funny.

Several years ago, friends of mine were invited to a party, which turned out to their horror to be a kinky party. And one of the men said he loved being wrapped in clingfilm! I don’t know why.

Malta & Richard lll 057 (Small)After that, I was wrapped in towels and left to toast for 20 minutes, while soothing spa music played.

Ruth then rubbed the mud off as it had dried to a powder, and I went in the spa whirlpool bath. I felt great!

I could have stayed in there for ages, but I was afraid of getting all wrinkled and undoing my lovely treatment.

Jeni loved her head massage. She went in the Meditation Room, but came straight out as there was a couple engrossed in meditating over each other!

We went in the steam room, then into another room which spurted out jets of lovely herbal steam every five minutes, like a tiny volcano.

Carmen returned to tell us she’d managed to book us half an hour in the Thalasso Pool, which is heavy with salt.

Malta & Richard lll 054 (Small)The hotel has its own seawater borehole. Fresh drinking water is filtered off, and the remaining brine goes in the pool.

It’s very good for arthritis and several other ailments. Some people don’t need their sticks any more after treatment.

The instructor told us various exercises to do, while he wandered off, marching up and down the outside corridor with his arms folded.

I’m used to instructors motivating everyone while upbeat music plays.

He returned and turned on powerful jets of water, then wandered off again. Then he came back and said our time was up, but we could stay as long as we wanted.

Two other ladies had joined us, and called after him, but he’d legged it.

They asked us to turn on the jets for them, which we did. Then we went to get changed.

We both felt refreshed and cleansed. I wish I could do it every week!

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Stay 7 nights at Fortina Spa Resort from just £979 per person, based on two sharing a tower seaview room with balcony on an all-inclusive basis, including return flights from London Gatwick. Book with Spa Travel on 0800 917 3001 or visit





Find out more about the Fortina Spa Resort at

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About Lyn

LYN FUNNELL CV (well, sort of!) Lyn had very successful careers as an Air Hostess, Sales Rep, (she was one of only a couple of women. She beat all the men regularly, becoming the Top Rep in the UK, and 2nd in the world.) And then Catering took over. She did everything from the washing-up, to Silver Service Waitress, and Chef. A few times, she had to cook the meal, dash round the other side and Silver Serve it! In between all this, she wrote as often as she could, building up a reputation as a published short story writer, (Horror and a twist in the tale,) and a Poet. She has appeared as a Performing Poet, and a Demo Chef. Then she discovered the world of the Food & Travel Writer. And that’s what she has continued doing to this day. Her main hobbies are Cookery and entering Competitions. She has won many prizes, including holidays and a moped. She enjoys entering Competitions, submitting her original recipes. She was first in many Competitions, including the Good Housekeeping Millenium Menu, Fruits of France, Bernard Matthews Turkey Recipe, and appeared on BBC’s The One Show Spag Bol contest. She was one of three Finalists, coming 2nd, which makes her Britain’s Spag Bol Queen! Now she runs B-C-ing-U! and loves it! After several years of being messed around by Editors, and having loads of contacts, Lyn formed her own online Magazine, vowing to treat her writers fairly, and to do everything possible to further their careers, publicise their books, etc. She now has a band of excellent regular writers, and the Magazine’s going from strength to strength! Lyn’s online published books; Adverse Camber A collection of my published poems. The First Book of Short Stories The Second Book of Short Stories The Third Book of Short Stories. Many of these stories have been previously published. St Anthony of Padua. The Patron St of the Old. A story of one woman’s terrible ordeal in a Home, and her family’s rescue of her. The Girl Who Watched. A Cuban girl is attacked by an English journalist & what follows! Willy the Whizz & the Wormhole. Suitable for Young Adults, aged 15-95! Get Out Of Debt And Stay Out – Forever! Unsympathetic, hard-hitting, realistic solutions to your problems. All these books are published by Andrews UK Ltd No, I didn’t pay them to Vanity Publish! They’re all available from Amazon, and many other online publishers. LYN FUNNELL.