hnybanner11. I’m not going to start 2014 with a hangover!

2. I’m not going to make any New Year Resolutions.

avoid3. I’m not going to bore everyone talking about my New Year Resolutions when we all know that I won’t keep them!

4. I must realise that dieting means cutting down on my food consumption, and exercising more than just my mouth.

5. Having seen my facial expressions in a mirror, and heard the noise I make, I’ll never chew gum again.

6. I love my kids, but I’ve finally realised that nobody else likes them. They’re horrible, greedy, moaning, ungrateful monsters and once I’ve paid my credit card bill, I’m not getting into debt for them again. That’ll give them something genuine to moan about – and it might even make them nicer!

7. Although I’m old and my brain’s getting slower, I’m determined to find out what all the switches do on my new, expensive car. I’m also going to learn the difference between the accelerator and the clutch so I don’t jerk along the road, lighting up like a Christmas tree every few yards. And I will master the art of using the indicators before I turn off the road!

8. I’m not going to consult a solicitor about a divorce in January as it’s their busiest month for divorces. If we all wait, they’ll be short of work and forced to lower their ridiculously high prices. Actually, when we’ve cleared most of our debts, we might even stop fighting and not need a divorce!

mobile9. I’m going to stop holding conversations on my mobile phone in public. I used to think that people admired me and thought I was trendy, but now they all seem to glare at me!

10. Talking of trendy, I’m not going to try hard to throw fashionable words into my conversations. As I’m maturing I’ve realised that it annoys me when other people do it. So not more ‘It was like,’ or ‘Ooh, cool!’ or ‘Basically,’ or ‘Chill out,’ or ‘Fundamentally,’ or ‘Yeah?’ at the end of a sentence, or ‘Dude,’ or ‘Ending every sentence with a question mark?’ Until I’ve achieved this, I’m going to stop talking completely.

11. I’m going to economise properly by writing down every day what I’ve bought, and realise how unnecessary a lot of it was. Why buy a sandwich when I can buy a loaf and some fillings a lot cheaper? And a packed-lunch of salad will help me with my diet. And definitely no more takeaways!

12. Even though I have a bit of a cold, I won’t make loud sniffing noises or gurgly throat noises in public.

13. I’ve realised that I have an annoying habit. I keep tapping my fingers on tables, etc/I slurp my coffee/I jerk my head sideways/I blink and breathe in fast/I whinny like a horse/I wiggle my foot/I rapidly jerk my knee up and down/I loudly shake my newspaper/I whistle/I sniff. So I promise to keep still and be quiet in future.

14. I’m going to respect my friends and neighbours, and the people around me. Just because they’re slightly overweight or they dress slobby and casual at home, it doesn’t mean that they’re not brilliant and talented.

15. I’m going to stop moaning. If the weather’s bad I’ll be grateful that it’s not a hurricane. If I’m tired I’ll be glad that I’m healthy. If I’m overweight I’ll be grateful that I’m not dying of starvation. If I can’t afford something, I’ll be pleased about what I already own. If someone says something horrible to me I’ll be glad that I’m nicer than them. And if I have any problems I’ll be grateful that I’m alive, with many more years left to sort it out and enjoy my life!

Happy New Year everyone!

About Lyn

LYN FUNNELL CV (well, sort of!) Lyn had very successful careers as an Air Hostess, Sales Rep, (she was one of only a couple of women. She beat all the men regularly, becoming the Top Rep in the UK, and 2nd in the world.) And then Catering took over. She did everything from the washing-up, to Silver Service Waitress, and Chef. A few times, she had to cook the meal, dash round the other side and Silver Serve it! In between all this, she wrote as often as she could, building up a reputation as a published short story writer, (Horror and a twist in the tale,) and a Poet. She has appeared as a Performing Poet, and a Demo Chef. Then she discovered the world of the Food & Travel Writer. And that’s what she has continued doing to this day. Her main hobbies are Cookery and entering Competitions. She has won many prizes, including holidays and a moped. She enjoys entering Competitions, submitting her original recipes. She was first in many Competitions, including the Good Housekeeping Millenium Menu, Fruits of France, Bernard Matthews Turkey Recipe, and appeared on BBC’s The One Show Spag Bol contest. She was one of three Finalists, coming 2nd, which makes her Britain’s Spag Bol Queen! Now she runs B-C-ing-U! and loves it! After several years of being messed around by Editors, and having loads of contacts, Lyn formed her own online Magazine, vowing to treat her writers fairly, and to do everything possible to further their careers, publicise their books, etc. She now has a band of excellent regular writers, and the Magazine’s going from strength to strength! Lyn’s online published books; Adverse Camber A collection of my published poems. The First Book of Short Stories The Second Book of Short Stories The Third Book of Short Stories. Many of these stories have been previously published. St Anthony of Padua. The Patron St of the Old. A story of one woman’s terrible ordeal in a Home, and her family’s rescue of her. The Girl Who Watched. A Cuban girl is attacked by an English journalist & what follows! Willy the Whizz & the Wormhole. Suitable for Young Adults, aged 15-95! Get Out Of Debt And Stay Out – Forever! Unsympathetic, hard-hitting, realistic solutions to your problems. All these books are published by Andrews UK Ltd www.andrewsuk.com No, I didn’t pay them to Vanity Publish! They’re all available from Amazon, and many other online publishers. LYN FUNNELL.